I Thought That I Identified As a Lesbian - David Bowie Enabled Me to Discover the Truth

During 2011, a couple of years before the renowned David Bowie show opened at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I came out as a gay woman. Until that moment, I had solely pursued relationships with men, with one partner I had married. Two years later, I found myself in my early 40s, a recently separated parent to four children, making my home in the US.

During this period, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and attraction preferences, looking to find answers.

My birthplace was England during the beginning of the seventies - prior to digital connectivity. As teenagers, my companions and myself were without Reddit or digital content to consult when we had questions about sex; conversely, we turned toward music icons, and during the 80s, artists were challenging gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer sported male clothing, The Culture Club frontman adopted feminine outfits, and pop groups such as well-known groups featured performers who were publicly out.

I craved his slender frame and precise cut, his defined jawline and flat chest. I wanted to embody the Berlin-era Bowie

In that decade, I lived operating a motorcycle and adopting masculine styles, but I returned to femininity when I chose to get married. My spouse moved our family to the US in 2007, but when the union collapsed I felt an powerful draw revisiting the manhood I had once given up.

Considering that no artist played with gender as dramatically as David Bowie, I opted to spend a free afternoon during a seasonal visit visiting Britain at the gallery, with the expectation that perhaps he could help me figure it out.

I lacked clarity exactly what I was seeking when I stepped inside the exhibition - maybe I thought that by immersing myself in the opulence of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, in turn, discover a hint about my personal self.

I soon found myself facing a small television screen where the music video for "Boys Keep Swinging" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was strutting his stuff in the front, looking sharp in a charcoal outfit, while off to one side three supporting vocalists in feminine attire clustered near a microphone.

In contrast to the drag queens I had encountered in real life, these ladies failed to move around the stage with the poise of inherent stars; instead they looked bored and annoyed. Relegated to the background, they chewed gum and showed impatience at the boredom of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, apparently oblivious to their reduced excitement. I felt a fleeting feeling of understanding for the supporting artists, with their heavy makeup, awkward hairpieces and too-tight dresses.

They appeared to feel as awkward as I did in feminine attire - frustrated and eager, as if they were yearning for it all to conclude. Precisely when I recognized my alignment with three men dressed in drag, one of them removed her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Surprise. (Understandably, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I knew for certain that I desired to remove everything and become Bowie too. I wanted his lean physique and his defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and his masculine torso; I aimed to personify the lean-figured, Bowie's German period. However I found myself incapable, because to truly become Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Declaring myself as gay was a different challenge, but personal transformation was a considerably more daunting possibility.

I needed several more years before I was ready. Meanwhile, I tried my hardest to adopt male characteristics: I stopped wearing makeup and threw away all my women's clothing, shortened my locks and started wearing masculine outfits.

I changed my seating posture, walked differently, and adopted new identifiers, but I paused at hormonal treatment - the potential for denial and remorse had left me paralysed with fear.

Once the David Bowie display finished its world tour with a engagement in New York City, five years later, I went back. I had arrived at a crisis. I was unable to continue acting to be something I was not.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the problem didn't involve my attire, it was my biological self. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been in costume throughout his existence. I aimed to transition into the man in the sharp suit, moving in the illumination, and at that moment I understood that I had the capacity to.

I booked myself in to see a doctor not long after. The process required another few years before my personal journey finished, but not a single concern I feared materialized.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a homosexual male, but I accept this. I desired the liberty to explore expression as Bowie had - and given that I'm content with my physical form, I have that capacity.